Sometimes, there is a magnetic pull toward something that may seem really healthy, yet, it just really hurts trying to find the right movements, the parts that need to bend before they break. It is an irresistible call for people like me, who really enjoy the challenge of overcoming any and all obstacles. Who want to look in the mirror and be empowered with trusting the gut instinct we all possess. People talk about how amazing, awesome and incredible that feeling, that connection to something so elusive can really be, if enough work is put into the effort. There is beauty in pain, the flowering of a truly… If enough people buy Doritos taco shells to taco bell, they can’t all be wrong, right?
As an aside, I am sad that taco bell “meat” has always disgusted me and there is no way I’d ever order that taco, because that’s fucking stoner genius there, and I’m a bit jealous.
But, I was saying… there is this, well, thing, that I have had a pretty sketchy need to have in my life. My close friends and family have watched me as I dedicate myself to yet another round of torture, of pain, on the offhand chance that one day, this relationship will work out. I don’t always believe it, but, it is an undeniable need of mine to stretch as far as possible to truly understand how I work… on all levels.
I spent the weekend with the kids, which is always a good distraction, but, it also gives me plenty of time to think and figure out what my next steps are. While I felt slightly more okay with my choices in life, there was this one thing that I couldn’t help but miss. This… substantial part of my life that I had done the “break up, make up” dance with too many times to count.
There are very few times I didn’t feel good after a fun session of mental (and physical) contortion or a few laughs while watching those roles play out on screen, and I missed that feeling in my body, the tingles, the aches, that feeling of truly being alive that always leads to… more and more pain.
But, this time, it would be different. I would get back in the saddle, I would suck it up and I would be the one to ask for forgiveness. I would commit. I would no longer neglect something that was so incredibly transformational in my life. Something that history has shown me… I need.
I am not whole without this obsession. I know it, and I’m ashamed for not being strong enough to resist. But, as the song says, “reunited, and it feels so good!” You see, I begged yoga for forgiveness, and we are negotiating terms for our new relationship.
I have promised not to quit, no matter what happens in my life, and yoga has promised me the world, after it kicks my ass for leaving.
I love you, downward dog, now and forever.