“Trust, like the soul, never returns once it is gone.” - Publilius Syrus
When I was in high school, there were two quotes I held onto. The one above, and this:
“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
Trust is one of the foundations of relationships in life that I’ve rarely experienced. I’ve been abandoned, lied to, cheated on, spied on, betrayed in a lot of ways that send my mind reeling, even to this day. For some reason, the hits just keep on coming, and while I would really like to say I’m shocked at how these things turn out, I know there’s a huge part of me that always expects the worst.
On the other hand, it has come to my attention that while I firmly believed in the trust quote up there, sometimes, people can really shock you. Even after a bad patch, a rough year or whatever, after some time, distance and help, the person you thought you could never trust again, can easily become a person who you can fully rely on.
I’ve spent 10 days, give or take, in terror. Much of that stems from PTSD, I’ll admit. I know my baggage like nobody’s business. Yet, I stood up to that baggage, threw caution to the wind and put my heart and soul into something that pretty much has put me right back where I was three years ago, 15 years ago, 34 years ago, etc. I knew the risks involved, but, after copious amounts of therapy, a lot of self-help work and just the need to connect with someone on an intimate level, much to my own shock (thanks, therapy!), I went out on a giant limb and got burned. I have come to the conclusion that there is not a happy ending for me… and, really, I think I’m okay with that. I mean, as okay with that as I can be.
Because there is a path I have to take due to recent revelations, I have been silent for these 10 days. Its not necessarily a path I wanted to take. In fact, when I think about it, this particular scenario really sucks. However, as my lessons unfold (and, there is a new one, up at the top) and I gain a little more strength each day, I know I need to speak out. Hopefully, my message will be understood.
I don’t hate you. Hate is something I’m not entirely capable of, and is wholly reserved for political issues and eyeball pictures. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. However, at this time, I believe it is best that we each work on our own issues, our own families and try to regain any footing we once had before we met.
I don’t care if you move on. Part of me thinks its funny that you are so quick to do that, especially after a few slings and arrows that were directed at me. I don’t think that is your answer, however, and until you address your issues, you will continue to fall into the same situation again and again. On the other hand, I don’t blame you. This silence deafens me, and I can absolutely understand a need to fill that void. As a Chick Guru, however, I do ask that you continue to protect whomever you find, as you began to with me, from your special issues… because there is someone out there who could probably be spared the rude awakening.
The Three Things you can do… be strong and face your monsters, no matter how much it hurts. It will hurt, and you will want to quit and give up and deny and deflect and hide and cry and rage. Your monsters are your monsters, whether you brought them upon yourself, or not, and if you face them, they will shrink right before your eyes.
Love yourself like you wanted to be loved and stop hiding from the people who love you unconditionally.
Never stop believing in you. Ever. I haven’t, and I’m a pretty awesome person. I know that you can and will be that person you want to be.
I miss you, and I wish you the best. See you on the flip side, yo.