On a school day, my mornings are a combination of rustling kids around, grumping, coffee, chasing dogs and checking my horrorscope. I don’t deviate much from the schedule, because, it works, blah blah blah.

That was my intro. Let’s get to the good stuff…

Crap, no, wait, let me have a little flashback:

The whole of the elementary school was sitting around the track, waiting for Field Day festivities to begin. The kids were chattering, the birds were calling, and the sun was baking all of us alive. As planned, in a mock-Olympic fashion, several kids began running a relay race around the track, handing off a baton to each other as they ran their precious little hearts out to the cheers of the crowd.

Then, a bizarre silence befell the children. The teachers stopped wrangling the kids and all looked toward the track, following the gazes of the children. There, in a fully beautiful display of the human body, ran the god-like P.E. teacher who can only be described as “Holy Shit he’s HOT guy.”  All eyes were on this man as he ran not one, not two, but four laps around the track, muscles gleaming, perfect running form.

So, um, there’s a really hot P.E. Teacher at the elementary school. I’ve seen him over the years, admired him, but never had a reason to really speak to him. Every morning, however, as I stroll The Twitches to school, he is there, in front of the school, directing cars.

This morning, however, things were different. I’ve often wondered why, when I’m walking to the school, he seems to be staring at me (from 100 feet away or something). I make sure I’m wearing a bra before I leave the house, that I am presentable (and, of course, sunglasses), because his gaze seems to rip my clothes away and I don’t want to disappoint him before that happens. As I was walking today, I know I felt that “vibe” from him. He kept on directing cars, and turning toward me as they rolled past. He stopped, slowly touched his toes, showing the amazing outline of his butt, then looked my way again. I gulped. He stretched his shoulders, looking at me. I began to feel nervous and a little excited and could feel how much he wanted me… right then, right there. I could hear his voice, smell his scent… and he began to wave again, while staring at me…

Then, I realized that I’m at the end of the school where the cars drive up to drop off the kids, and that his eyes are NOT affixed on my morning beauty. He has not harbored some unspoken lust for me for the last five years. This P.E. teacher has interest in one thing in the morning, one thing alone…the SUVs and 4-doors that won’t pull the fuck forward.