Monthly Archives: April 2011

Apr28

The Raging Bitch Manifesto

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The Raging Bitch Manifesto

I like to think of myself as a pretty nice person. I don’t eat animals, I pick up litter, I make no disparaging comments about others (for the most part) and I try to treat everyone how I want them to treat me.

Funny thing about that… the more I treat people the way I want them to treat me, the more they become assholes. Its true. I’m nice, they’re dickfaces. The end.

So, I’m turning over a new leaf. This is kind of like the week/month that I spent NOT looking for the deeper meaning in anything and was completely vacuous and all about me and my apples. I’m just going to be a raging bitch. There’s no reason not to, at this point, because I have pretty much tried all other means of communication and personality, with a pretty large failure rate. Not that I will just go up to people and pick fights, not “Bad Girls Club” type of bitch, but the kind of bitch that is done taking it up the ass from the world.

You want waffles? Get ‘em your damn self.

Got a headache? Take some ibuprofin – you’ll be fine.

You’re living paycheck to paycheck? Suck it up, so am I, and at least you have more to fall back on than your boobs.

Wait, that came out wrong. My back boobs are totally not big enough to fall back on… I hope.

You have some silly birth certificate controversy? Millions of people hate you because you’re black? Oh, wait, yeah, that sucks, dude.

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Apr25

How I Spent My Spring Break

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How I Spent My Spring Break

Or… can I get the last 10 days of my life back?

No, seriously, it wasn’t that bad, but I was busy. Busy being supermom, meeting a deadline that involved 25 of the most painful articles I’ve ever written, discovering my new forms of PTSD related to the topics I write about weekly and figuring out where I’m going to go in fall, unless someone pulls a carpet out from under me this week… which could totally happen. Not that I’m being critical.

So, the highlights:

1. Had Emo Boy’s 13th “family” birthday dinner the night before his birthday, including the other kids, Martian and Freedom. Was shocked that I had to pay for Emo Boy’s dinner (and mine), but gladly paid, accepting those boundaries and realizing that once again, I’m in charge of any and all holidays and celebrations if I want them to be meaningful.

2. Dropped Emo Boy off at the airport for his Spring Break visitation with his bio-dad. Due to weather conditions, the flight was delayed almost 2 hours… 1.5 of which I spent sitting against the wall of the gate while Emo Boy lounged IN the plane, watching movies or doing whatever else he wanted to… refusing to come entertain me. Sadly, I didn’t even see the bar behind me until his flight finally pulled away from the gate.

3. Maryland Zoo with the other 3 kids and Freedom, and my new, coveted ZooPass. A good time was had by all, but, really, $2.00 for a tiny branch to feed a giraffe? At least the really shitty Richmond Zoo gives you a small cup of giraffe chow for that same amount, even if those giraffes are probably suicidal. On the upside, even in the rain, they serve the best freaking cheese fries on the planet. We took a zillion pictures, mostly behind cut-out boards to stick faces through. Rawr!

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Apr11

The Work at Home Mom

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The Work at Home Mom

I’m sure, from one time to another, that you have considered the possibility of working from home in order to achieve that “elusive life-work balance.”

Image courtesy of www.onlineoffbeat.com

I’m sure, as well, that you’ve done your research. Maybe you’ve been burned by the places that ask for an initial investment or want you to host home parties to sell cack (big hint: hire a hot bartender). Perhaps you’ve answered a Craigslist ad about posting eBay listings or maybe even thought you could *ahem* work for a psychic phone network (before Miss Cleo got us all busted, yo).

Sisters, I am here to tell you, working from home is just as glamorous as it seems. At least at Melia Co. Because at Melia Co., you see, we totally work in our pajamas. We break all of those rules that the fancy places ask you to follow… brushing your teeth before noon (meh), eating a healthy breakfast (only 100% sugar in this coffee!), taking time for yoga or other stretching (uhhhh, ok) and having a work area that cannot be touched by infidels (oh, look, a Disney hair brush on my desk!).

No, that doesn’t happen. On an average day, the various personalities (in my head) that make up Melia Co., wake up around 6:30 (heh) and badger the children awake before walking down the stairs in a Darth Vader-esque posture (so I’m told). We feed them breakfast, sometimes with Freedom’s help, and continue to badger them to eat until they’re so tired of trying to please us (me) that they inhale their food, brush a few teeth, get dressed and head off for school.

Then, Melia Co. gets to work for the next 2 hours, unless there is a morning meeting, school volunteering, an early school drop off or a plague of flying ants or something that really needs to be cleaned. At the end of the 2 hours, Melia Co. sometimes showers, because by then, she is awake enough to realize that she may smell funny OR just need some extra incentive to wake up. After the shower, Melia Co., becomes an Escort Service (heh) and brings Twitches home, feeds them lunch and engages them with something sparkly. Wheeee!

Note: there are times when my escorting duties are exclusively handed over to Freedom. That extra hour (and more, on his days off from his other job) of pickup/lunch can make a huge difference and I look forward to it, a lot.

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Apr7

There’s Autism, Then There is Asperger’s, and, of Course, Autism

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There’s Autism, Then There is Asperger’s, and, of Course, Autism

Six years ago, Enigma was diagnosed with autism.

Five years ago, Enigma was diagnosed with a developmental delay, not autism.

Four years ago, Enigma was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, a developmental delay, not autism, but maybe something like SID.

Three years ago, Enigma was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Three years ago, I resigned myself to the fact that Enigma was… Enigma. In those years, I researched everything I could. Gluten-free diets, chelation therapy, occupational therapy, physical and speech therapy. I looked into horse therapy, music therapy, the Indigo/Crystal child books and I cried. I cried a lot.  I blamed the vaccines, my stress-filled pregnancy, the genetic factors involved. I questioned the two miscarriages I suffered after his birth. I read the connections between autism and Alzheimer’s, I tried to force him into desensitizing situations and then sheltered him from all the quirky things that caused him to freak out. I became hyper-aware of his sisters’ delays, and when they were tested for fine/gross motor delays and scored low, it was my turn to freak out.

Enigma began improving over the past three years. From countless hours in school, and out, with speech/occupational/physical therapists and eventually aging out of, or “graduating” from  those services, Enigma was, “as good as he can get,” or, “he will never be considered ‘normal,’ but will always be quirky. Aspie’s are the computer engineers of our time.” Platitudes that worked for those awkward moments in the various therapist or doctor’s offices before escaping to the solitude of my car where I could cry more.

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Apr4

Need vs. Want

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Need vs. Want

Enigma once brought home an infographic of sorts that indicated things that were needed vs. wanted. He WANTED ice cream, but NEEDED shoes, that sort of thing. One of those basic lessons of life that most of us forget too often, although, I’m pretty sure that I NEED olives and a pedicure… desperately.

I had a job interview on Thursday. This was an amazing opportunity that I was clearly underqualified for, but, still, how many telecommuting positions for community managers come along from a European company looking to expand its brand in the US? HOW MANY?  Yeah, like, I was terribly excited, but I pretty much knew I didn’t have the experience. I wanted this job – I wanted to be the head of a US division of a European company through the magic of social media. Could I do it? Sure, but probably not as well as someone else. I get it, but it pretty much signaled the end of this year of bitching and moaning about people not hiring me. I’m officially off that market, except for the one final job I applied for (and the future jobs I will send out resumes to because I’m compulsive), but for all intents and purposes, I release my expectation of a full-time telecommuting position with benefits. With that, I also acknowledge that there isn’t a full-time position available in the real world that can handle my schedule. I am embracing the fact that from now on… I am a freelancer.

Wheeee! *panic* Wheeee! Read the rest of this entry →