Monthly Archives: March 2011

Mar29

Things I Want to Replace

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Things I Want to Replace

Spring is a time when marketers and advertisers push for major household overhauls in terms of gardens, cleaning and home improvement. I write about this crap a lot for a client, so my own version of “spring cleaning” has been on my mind…

What I want to get rid of and/or replace so I don’t have to look at its ugly face anymore

1. The Couch and Love Seat. Aside from the completely telling story of how they came into my life and the metaphor for my failed marriage, they’re just old (like 12 years?) and house a whole lot of memories I don’t want anymore.

2. The Aquarium. As much as I enjoy the relaxing sound of water and the life cycle I get to watch as the guppies continually inbreed, I think its just time to let it go and maybe plant a garden instead.

3. The Carpet. Potty training twins, two dogs, a cat, and just the kids in general make me twitch whenever I see anyone sit or put their face near it… and, its beige, which won’t look right with the red couch I plan on getting someday.

4. Golden Fixtures. Seriously, I don’t understand why “gold” is such a fabulous color, especially when it comes to things like outlet covers and doorknobs.

5. My Computer. No, wait, I already did that. I may have a serious crush on it, and am contemplating actually saving files to its hard drive… its kind of like moving in together, really, and for someone like me with a strong and ironic fear of commitment, this is huge.

6. Cable. I am trying to embrace the technology that FIOS has provided to me, courtesy of Martian, and that has stuck me in a contract for the next 22 months… but, I’m currently watching “Paranormal Entity” and I may want to cry. TV sucks. All of it.

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Mar27

Subtle, Real Subtle…

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Subtle, Real Subtle…

So, I forgot to mention the highlight of my pool outing… My subtle boob dance of arrangement.

I’ve breastfed all for of my children and subsequently lost almost 100lbs. My boobs are shot, and aside from being naked, the most evident way to see this unnatural phenomenon is when I wear the only bathing suit I own, that just happens to be a size and a half too big, and offers little assistance except to keep me from being naked, or anyone from wanting to see me naked (score!). Its just not pretty. LeSigh.

As I stood up from break time to follow The Twitches back into the water, I glanced down and saw that my right boob had escaped the built-in bra and was dangling under the top of my ugly-ass mamasuit. Had I been wearing anything but my mama suit, I would have been arrested. “What do I do??” I cried to myself. Do I try to find a corner and hide my boob flop? Do I just let the other one fall, too, and say “fuck it?” Nope.. I briefly glanced around, and totally stuck my hand down my shirt in front of the entire pool, pulled the errant breast back where it should be, and went about my merry way… mortified, but at least I wasn’t lopsided anymore.

I have no shame. Next time I’m wearing a bikini.

Mar27

Why My Week Has Sucked

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Why My Week Has Sucked

After the fun of last weekend, and subsequent drama that entailed from having to clean alien matter from the outside of my car… the week did not get much better.

I was Facebooked by my brother who was suddenly homeless in a foreign state with no money. This is the brother I left at a rest stop when he was 18 because of reasons I don’t quite remember, except he was fighting with my soon-to-be baby daddy and I was fed up. This is the same brother who I reconciled with 3 years ago when he moved here with a girlfriend, who he later broke up with and ended up as a farmer with another girl in the area, then suddenly that was no longer working and he was moving to Colorado. Then, that job somehow wasn’t paying him for the 2 months he worked there, and the day before they were supposed to start paying him, they fired him and I’m guessing that also meant he had nowhere to stay. Maybe he was originally working for room/board until the season started. I don’t know.

Clearly, we were close. But, he needed money so I sent him what I could. Now, he needs more. He miraculously got a job in the foreign state an hour after picking up what I sent, but is living out of his car and needs cash to secure a room to rent.

If it wasn’t for the guilt over leaving him at the rest stop, I would probably tell him to sod off. But, I have guilt, because that is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done to another person, ever, and I’ve done some shitty, shitty things in my time. I told him that once I got paid, I could send him more, but, well, I don’t know what to do. We were kind of close as kids, but after I went away to college and he got sent to a Sheriff’s ranch, we sort of grew apart. Go figure. I don’t know if he’s legit, on drugs, mentally ill or what… but, I have guilt and I don’t want to leave him stranded again.

Speaking of money… I’m very tight with my spending. Like, I need new bras and other articles of clothing to fit the body that lost another 20 lbs last year because of stress, but I can’t seem to spend that on me. When I do get a little extra money, the roof gets torn apart by a freakish storm and I end up paying it… or, my hard drive finally crashes and I’m left with a very shiny, black piece of former computer that sits, mocking me in its “I refuse to obey you” sort of petulance.

Fucker.

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Mar20

Raise Your Glass!

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Raise Your Glass!

You know that P!nk song – if you’re too school for cool, etc.?  Yeah, its stuck in my head, along with the visual of a black man in a sweater vest singing it for the sound check that preceded the performance of Toxic Mouse – a local  80′s Hair Metal Tribute Band.

That, my friends, is how my night was. As I was watching this spectacle (and, he was pretty good, sweater vest and all), with what must have been a totally puzzled look on my face, there was this kinda hot man in front of me who turned and thought I was giving him my “am I really seeing this?” look. So, of course, that was his “in” as I explained how random the sound check was, and that I don’t smoke when I drink…blah, blah, blah.

The man, nice build and shaven head, said he had quit smoking 20 years ago. I said, “what, you were 15?” and he revealed he was… ready for it? 52.

Um, yeah, if THAT is an example of what 52 can be, then maybe I’m not completely off my rocker. 52 can totally be vibrant, athletic… funny, even! Who knew? Unfortunately, he was totally cock blocked by his friend who tried to impress me with the fact that he had just bought some Harley (used, of course, because that’s even MORE impressive, yo) and tried to show me a picture. Had I not been sitting with Freedom and his 20-something co-workers (Little D and J?) who ALSO had pics on their phones of their (literal) bikes (freaking hilarious), I may have gotten the number of another 50-something year old man. Whew!

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Mar18

For the Record…

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For the Record…

I made it. Its Friday night, and without the constant stream of help from Freedom, I still managed to cook dinner twice (it would have been three times but I was pushed out of the way by a big dork), get all the work done I possibly could, cleaned my kitchen, showered fairly regularly and now, I’m going out for a drink.

Despite the attempts of people (ahem) to sabotage my giddy bubble of happy today, I’m still happy. And awesome. And… well, yeah. Suck on that.