Yep, its that time. Ready?

Yep!

No, really, are you ready?

FFS, we don’t have all day.

Ok, here we go!

My Resume, or is it a CV?

1. Cashier at a major grocery store in the Cleveland suburbs. Had to fake my birth certificate (I was 14, they wanted a 16 year old) and got in trouble for wearing a skirt that was too short (the apron was longer than the skirt).

2. Library prototype in the middle of the mall, specifically the children’s section (think 4×4 space). The problem with the children’s section is that kids are there and they don’t realize the value of alphabetizing books OR the beauty of the Dewey Decimal System.

3. Cashier at a small grocery store in Arkansas. Learned all about Arkansas culture and Country Music. Hated that job.

4. Wendy’s. I was the Super Bar girl and eventually worked the drive-thru. Spicy chicken sandwiches and all. Got the job because I was cute and had boobs and kept it because I was a “closer,” which meant I quite often did not have a curfew.

5. KFC. That one lasted two weeks when I was told that I wasn’t allowed to put chicken in a bucket until I’d been there longer. Evidently, I surpassed the chicken learning curve and scared a fellow employee with my super intelligence. I figured it was best to move on at that point.

6. Daycare. Was appalled that the teachers didn’t play with the kids. Had to move on.

7. Marshall’s – the discount retail establishment. I was the fitting room attendant, which meant I got to practice (in my head) for college auditions and stuff because, well, there was nothing else to do after handing out numbers to customers.

8. Afterthoughts. I was a closer there, which gave me plenty of time to “sample” the wares and practice piercing my own ears. I also learned about outsourcing by paying a mall rat to sweep the floor for me.

9. Girl Scout Camp Counselor (Summer #1): 9 weeks of summer vacation before college devoted to camping, swimming, teaching young girls how to line dance. I also learned how to fix a toilet and got promoted because I was awesome. One of my favorite jobs.

10. Lifeguard at college pool. Too easy to not show up and still get paid. Got to watch hot Latin boys in speedos… and hide from the not-so-hot ones.

11. Girl Scout Camp Counselor (Summer #2): Stayed for maybe 48 hours before having a nervous breakdown.

11.5 Lifeguard at Country Club. Got really bad tan lines and was never paid for the two weeks I worked there.

12. Humane Society. Got to scoop poop, clean cat jizz, drive frozen dogs to a dump and help adopt out animals (or put them down *sigh*). Hard, stinky work, but still an amazing experience.

13. College snack bar girl. I gave out a lot of free food. Sorry about that, but college friends are hungry and who am I to deny them a chicken sandwich?

14. McDonalds & Subway. I tried to move off campus and had rent to pay, plus stay in school. I failed miserably. Oh, and being at McDonalds at 5am sucks ass.

15. Humane Society + Night Watch. In exchange for being on-call at night, I got a crappy apartment above the animal shelter where I could listen to the sounds of dogs barking and howling all night. The oven worked enough to emit toxic fumes, setting off the smoke detector during an important board meeting. Oops. Plus, I had the added bonus of a roommate that I never wanted who pretty well fucked my life for the next year.

16. Library #2. Working in downtown Little Rock was an interesting experience. I still have nightmares about the man who would walk in with snot streaming down his face, the boy who tried to kill me and the rumors of men masturbating in the stacks. Oh, and the Dewey Decimal System angst still held true. I loved that job, though, and I threw it away because of a dress code issue. I’m sure the apron would still have been longer than the skirt I wore that day.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzbDdgWiaS0

17. Computer Store Tech/Sales. First real experience with sexism. Girls cannot possibly know anything about computers, but, I must say that your pregnacy-swollen boobs are delish. Now, can I talk to a man about why my speakers aren’t working? Oh, and first time seeing roaches scramble out of a man’s computer.

18. Dot.com: Hired as a receptionist for up-and-coming web design company. Spent much of my time bullshitting with the boss and smoking cigarettes. Was fired after a disgruntled employee was caught spying on our e-mail; coincidentally at the same time my promotion and raise was about to take effect, I was outed for working on a website with my co-worker. I was innocent, by the way, and thank you for firing a single mom looking for her own place to live, assholes.

19. Temp Work: the pipe layers. Receptionist. Too smart for job, much like KFCatastrophe (“we’d really like to permanently hire you, but we think you’re too good for this job.”) I read a lot of books while routing phone calls and counting up pipes on blueprints.

20. The B&B. A beautiful 1880′s mansion transformed into an incredible B&B… in the hood. Was hired as a personal assistant which meant I got to do the booking for the B&B, run insurance reports (she was an agent), keep the computers working and networked, help decorate for the holidays, parties and various TV spots, maintain and improve the website, create party favors and basically be her bitch. I loved/hated her, and learned a lot… and even got to tell her once, during a “chat” about my job, that I hoped she realized just how hard it was to work for her. She, in turn, told me that I needed to update my look to something more professional and less like a “hostess.” Short skirts are my curse. Not long after that, I was pregnant again, and opted to just work on the website from home.

21. Aside from various web and writing jobs over the past 10 years, I also was a tarot reader on one of those psychic friends phone lines. I was shocked, somehow, to find out that they really didn’t want psychics or readers, just people who could schmooze the callers. I’m so not a schmoozer, but I landed a pretty cool headset phone out of the deal.

22. Online sales of witchy items. Fail.

23. Online consignment. Fail.

24. MojoWriting.com (you had to know that the plug was coming) – totally awesome and amazing. So there.