Wow, I don’t even know where to begin this installment of the tragedy of the UCG (UnCool Girl).

Lets say, hypothetically, you crash into an old flame. You are all enamored with the old thoughts, feelings and wonder that you felt back in the day when you and your flame were joined at the hip in holy coolimony. Nostalgia can be a hard drug to overcome, and I get that, so bask in its homespun glory. You talk to this flame and bring up your past, how wonderful things were back then, and you savor the moments that you two shared before the heart-crushing break-up that caused her or him to become your ex.

Let’s rewind that, because its important to realize that this person with whom you are experiencing those old, memorized butterflies, is still… your ex.

As Montel once said, before he started doing commercials that air only while you’re sitting at Applebee’s, “they are your ex for a reason.”

That means that a) this ex was a complete and utter assnugget to you and you had the sense to call it off before you became a “please remove this tattoo” statistic, or b) you were a complete and utter assnugget and therefore may want to back off before your assnuggetry becomes apparent to the rest of the world.

Why?

I’ll get to that in a minute.

If you are in category “a” then please, please do not go back into that same situation. It wasn’t healthy then, and the odds of it being healthy now are pretty slim. Besides, chasing after someone who dumped you is pretty much the bottom of the UCG spectrum of follies. Really, they’re probably just talking to you so you’ll put out… and you’re not going to do that, right? No, really, don’t. For the love of whatever deity you may (or may not) love, don’t sleep with an ex who tried to destroy your heart/soul/mind. Just back away from the ex and go get a slushie. That’s what a CG would do.

Ahem.

If you are in category “b” and you think that your ex somehow has amnesia, then by all means (insert sarcasm), lay it on thick. Tell him or her how much you miss them, that you love them, even. Be the character in “Please Don’t Leave Me.” If this ex continues to speak to you, then either she or he does have amnesia, or they’re setting you up for an epic fail. (Remember, in this scenario, you were the assnugget, and assnuggetry is rarely ever forgotten. If you were truly that fabulous, or a true CG, then that person would not be your ex.) If you don’t believe me, try sending this ex some photos of yourself in compromising positions.

No, really, because that’s what a CG would do. Oh, wait, no, no CG would do that… because sending naked/porntastic self-timer photos of yourself is not only stupid and uncool, but clearly a cry for help. You get negative bonus points if you’re sending photos that your current significant other has snapped. Its in the rule book.

Do not send photos. They will be passed around to friends, family and potentially posted on the Internet with your full name and possibly the story of your horrendous break-up as a means to propel those photos through the channels of revenge, directly landing in your grandmother’s lap, er, inbox. Plus, when you start crying about your photos being shared, all of the CG’s will laugh at you. A lot. Your grandmother will, too. It doesn’t matter how hot you are now, how much you want that person back in your life, how much you may think that you are the only reason for your ex’s existence, sending those photos is bad. BAD. Don’t do it.

On the flip side (take notes!), you have the CG’s approach. She may laugh and joke about the “good ol’ days,” or bluntly tell the ex that he/she was a total assnugget. If she’s super cool and was the break-up-causing assnugget, she’ll apologize and move forward, letting things evolve in a less psychotic manner than the UCG. Not that the UCG is psychotic, but… well, if the assnugget fits… The CG will be self-assured enough to know that the way back into an ex’s heart (if that’s what she really, really wants) is not through embarrassing declarations of love, digital representations of twat floss or how easily she can now lick her own nipple, but by being real and smart enough to know that when its over, its over.