In my quest for journalistic integrity, I bring you the follow-up to When Cool Girls Go Stupid.

I will admit that I’ve had a few forays into the world of the UCG (UnCool Girl). I’ve been prone to fits of weird notes to boys I liked, making statements to incite jealousy, and dedicating a song or two that I would not ordinarily even acknowledge existed had I not been in the throes of crushdom. In my defense, however, I was probably in high school (or earlier) and therefore, I was UnCool by definition.

No, really, its true. You know who you are P’nut. I hope you enjoyed the necklace.

I’ve had my fair share of crushes since then and a few regrettable breakups. It happens. I get it, even if Montel says, “there is a reason you broke up,” there are still those residual feelings that are hard to process. LeSigh. LeCrushingSighofLonging. LeBlah.

However, I’m no longer in high school. Neither are you, UCG. You know who you are. Let me ‘splain a few things to you, because obviously you’ve got NO game and are now the focus of my blog, which makes me slightly twitchy, but I’m not one to discriminate my snark on the basis of your genitalia. You are being stupid. You don’t dedicate songs to your lost loves. No, wait, you don’t dedicate TAYLOR SWIFT songs to them. You dedicate “fuck you, I’m fine,” songs or pull out some song that you aren’t forced to listen to by your own children. In fact, unless there are reciprocal feelings, you just sit there and be cool, and spare yourself the virtual walk of shame you’re heading down. You are an adult now, you are not 17, and if you are using the words of a teen pop idol to express your undying love for another adult, then you clearly are the epitome of the UCG… and that makes Melia sad.

I repeat – Taylor Swift, especially if you’re older than 18, is NOT cool. NOT COOL. Let’s just remind everyone of her duet with the great Stevie Nicks:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn1XTUyzBB0

Do you see a measurable difference in talent? How about emotion? Pitch? (Sorry, Taylor) UGH. That is YOU, UCG, compared to just about every adult woman on the planet who has even a slight bit of self-respect. Its right there, in video form: Taylor – bad, Stevie – patronizing. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you who are considering a reunion with a former flame: do not lower yourself to that level. The former flame is laughing at you, or scratching her/his head in disbelief…or both.

Ahem. I digress. I’m not attacking (because that’s not cool, either) but I’m trying to get a huge point across: if you’re putting it out there that you have emotionally bonded the song of a teenager to a person in your life, then emotionally, you are a teenager. You are setting yourself up for a lot more than teardrops on your guitar. Suck it up, baby cakes, and approach this person as an adult. Send her/him some song that at least has a measure of cool to it…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZp9IXUlJYI

Trust me.

P.S. Thanks for getting that stupid song stuck in my head.