There are those girls who seem to have it all figured out. They get nice jobs that make them happy, develop healthy relationships with friends, have a plan, a sunny outlook, and an attitude that says a romantic relationship is secondary to their very existence, because they’re already fabulous. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

(Cue the music)

(Yep, totally busted out the KC. I RULE!)

So, by keeping her heart protected
She’ll never, ever feel rejected
Little Miss Apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love

And then, it all falls apart. She meets a person who makes her knees shake, her heart pound, and her mind turn to visions of romantic picnics and fields of flowers. She no longer thinks about anything except what this other person is thinking, where she/he is, what she/he wants/needs/likes/hates/wears/drinks and/or what sort of toothpaste/dinner/wall paint/socks that magical person prefers. This strong, independent woman has been completely spun by a connection that goes beyond any and all connections on the planet. Its different than the insanity that comes along with a newborn baby or new shoes. Its that baffling thing called…

The Crush.

(Totally tempted to put up an Alicia Silverstone clip there, but I resisted.)

(Ok, couldn’t resist)

(For the record, Cary Elwes is much better in this:)

(Shit, I just revealed my love for Cary Elwes AND princess movies. WTH?)

What was I saying?

Oh, yes, cool girls going stupid.

Now, the “Crushin’” Cool Girl is ok, slightly weird since we’re only used to seeing her twirl women or men around her finger and then flick them away like a booger when she’s done, and now she’s all freaky over some other person. But, we understand, because, well, we’ve been there. We are Cool Girls, too. We get it. We love it and (some people) read romance novels or watch chick flicks because they believe so deeply in that fairy tale, and the rest of us (the Cool Girls) think “it” is a great idea, but its hardly worth all of that energy when there’s so much more out there. Call us jaded, women/men-hating bitches, but most of us are just realistic and happy.

Until that crush happens. Then, we know our reality just got tumbled to the ground. That brick of self-love we’ve been grasping is crumbling in our hands, and we’re faced with the bitter truth of post-crush realization. Things can now go one of two ways: the crush crushes back, or the crush does not.

If the crush crushes back, then The Crush goes into that gooey mix of slobbery gazes, giggles and whispers and all of our other CG friends are laughing at us. Some of them are jealous and do stupid things, and others are genuinely happy for us. CCG’s may even venture into these types of fits, much to the amusement of other CGs and UCGs (Un-Cool Girls):

or

Its when the crush does not crush back that our Cool Girl gets really stupid. More stupid than the Crushin’ Cool Girl who has the excuse of being in the crush or (GASP!) in love. This Cool Girl has to come to terms with two things: 1) She is NOT cool because she actually “fell” for someone (thereby admitting she is, indeed, human) AND  2) That person really doesn’t give a damn.  Ouch. All of the coolness she could have regained in the reciprocation of the crush has slid out onto the floor and coagulated into a wart-like pile of funk and ooze. That, she feels, is her heart. Please, step on it, do a little dance, splish-splash…vogue. It doesn’t matter, because this Cool Girl has only one feeling, and you stomping on her funk will at least prove you care enough to be close to her, even if its just to make her feel even worse.

You say no? Are you kidding? You just further rejected the Rejected Cool Girl! OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG! Why are you so cruel? After realizing that she may not be as Cool as initially perceived, the RCG will seek out situations and people (drunk dialing, texting, random Facebook songs) in order to increase that level of self-loathing. Its different if you’re not a Cool Girl, if you’re a female who wears her heart on her sleeve. People tend to expect a regular outpouring of snot and tears. When you ARE a CG, and your heart is broken, it truly is a double-dose of angst and horror, and you listen to things like this:

(Best break up song ever)

Or:

(Yep, I totally went there)

(Oh, and can I say that when I pulled up a list of the best break up songs, I saw far too many familiar songs for my own comfort, not that I’m a RCG or anything)

Then what does the RGC have left? Her crush is gone, her coolness is gone and she turns to her friends to help her out, to hold her hair as she crush vomits into the toilet. RGC has just proven herself to be human, to realize that she can feel pain and if she’s smart, after a few drinks and some Pilates, she moves forward, reinvents her CG identity and tries it again.