No, not really, but I am roller skating on the diving board. Watch what I can do! No, wait, don’t… I forget how amazingly clumsy I am. All the time.

At some point between the time I passed out last night and was rudely awakened by my children climbing into bed with me (when co-sleeping goes bad…twitch), my friend, Dip,  over at SpectacularMe held a gun to my head (and to the head of Scarlet) and forced us to take a personality test from a dating site that will remain nameless. I’m always up for getting random spam from dating sites,  not that that has EVER happened before, and it was just early enough (and after my first cup of coffee) for me to be thinking only clearly enough to name myself, “Ashley.”

(If you ever meet an Ashley at a bar/library/grocery store/farm, its probably me… well, it could actually be Ashley, but now you’ll never really know.)

Hi, I’m Ashley!

No, you’re not.

No, really, I am.

Dude, I read your blog. You’re that weird chick with a dildo obsession.

But, I don’t blog.

Liar.

*Ashley runs away crying, and plots my demise*

I took the test, and paused briefly when it asked me if I was looking for a man or a woman. Why can’t I choose, “either?” Surely that’s an option, even in the online (fake) dating world? No, no it isn’t. Maybe I can change it later, you know, when I get bored.

Do you know why I get bored so easily? This dating site does (its ubiquitous!) (ubiquitous is my favorite word, for the record) Ahem. Simply stated, per the aforementioned test:

You are very curious and you love adventure, either or both intellectual and physical. So when you get interested in something, you can become extremely focused on it, sometimes to the exclusion of all around you. You pursue your interests thoroughly, too, often with originality and exactitude.

You are adaptable, competitive and a problem-solver, as well as skeptical, tough minded and determined. Because you have a lot of energy and tend to be enthusiastic about your theories and projects, you can be very persuasive. You are eager to make an impact on those around you, too, as well as in the wider world.

You are irreverent and highly independent. So you can be oblivious to authority figures, as well as to rules, schedules and social customs. And although you enjoy people and can be charming and humorous, you are not interested in routine social engagements or anyone whom you regard as boring. Instead, you seek stimulating and focused conversations; and you are comfortable being by yourself, pursuing your own many interests.

Of all twelve (primary/secondary) types, you are also the most sexual-because both dopamine and testosterone stimulate the sex drive.

I ask you, dear readers, why would they say something like that and then not give me the ability to keep my options open? I even went back to change my gender preference and was denied. Its discriminatory, its wrong, and I’m a little miffed. However, the test also explains my dildo obsession. Huge sigh of relief.

Since I initially said I was looking for a man, my matches were a bunch of Government IT guys who live in DC. Big shock. Its like shooting fish in a barrel, really. I’m pretty sure that if I had chosen “female,” then I’d have a bunch of Build-a-Bear fanatics on my hands. LeSigh. So, I’m going to start dating my feet. I will take them out, get them all prettied up, buy them some nice shoes, go to dinner, come home, and crawl into bed together and be zen. Maybe then, my kids will let me sleep.

Oh, wait. Come to think of it, I’m not supposed to be dating (don’t ask, don’t tell!) (just kidding!) (maybe). I hope Joe (6’1″, bragging about his income, thinks outside the box, blah blah blah) “Is it possible to be both genuine and sarcastic?” doesn’t shed too many tears over me. Maybe I should introduce him to Ashley.