So, about two weeks ago, I blogged all about my vibrator comedy of errors. For a reason laden with agenda, I suddenly feel a need to explain the process involved in choosing a sex toy that was totally unimpressive to me.

Yes, I bought a Rabbit. I bought a “Rabbit for Beginners,” actually, because I didn’t want to get too cocky (hehe) and I did momentarily have a vision of the woman who died recently while literally jackhammering herself with a dildo while her neighbors watched. I figured it was in my best interest to start out slowly, much like having actual sex with an actual penis; you don’t just grab the first dick you find and get busy, right? It’s a process.

Have I mentioned my new mantra is, indeed, “its a process?” No? Well, then this blog has served two purposes. No, three, counting my secret and evil agenda. Muahahahaha.

Ahem.

I had heard mostly good things from spammers about the Rabbit and had been curious for a few years. Even with the warning from the illustrious MJ, I was unfazed. This was MY year of the Rabbit.

My Chinese zodiac sign is the Rabbit.

Rabbits are cute and cuddly, but Rabbits probably do not belong on masturbatory devices.

Neither do dolphins. Or butterflies. Or anything that you insert in your vagina that has 16 functions plus eyeballs.

Lets stop traumatizing the animal kingdom with threats of being immortalized as a clit stimulator, and what does it say about me, a vegetarian, who won’t eat meat but will let it stimulate me otherwise. Did you just get a mental image of a steak thong? Me, too. Kill me now.

No offense to those of you who like a little Looney Tunes in your poon (bless your hearts). I’m sure you think I’m a freak for thinking so long and hard (he he) about a sex toy. I promise you all, its not just me, I’m merely a pawn. Kinda. Oy. After my tragically anti-climactic experience with the Rabbit, I had nothing left to do but think. Think about my life, my existence, pink silicone and what I will do when my daughters inevitably discover their new light saber.

This shit ain’t over, peeps. Not by a long shot. Like any good digital masturbation, its best when you just wait for it to happen organically…