Monthly Archives: March 2010

Mar31

The Great New England Flood

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The Great New England Flood

Someone brought it up recently that I’ve got a certain knack for natural disasters lately, and especially for involving my friends in my adventures with copious amounts of snow, and now, rain. Currently, it is believed that I have one more bizarre weather phenomenon to encounter, so I’m fairly certain that within the next six weeks, there will be a tidal wave hit wherever I’m at, and whomever happens to be with me at the time. Coincidentally, I’ll either be in DC or celebrating the fact that I am a college graduate at some point in April.

Richmond and Tidewater folks, beware. I’m afraid its all on your shoulders.

Today, I’m blogging from the beautiful state of Connecticut. Its still chilly here, but it has stopped raining. Scarlet and I managed to make it all the way here without being swept away into the Atlantic Ocean. Barely. Oh, and Mr. Fuckwad that tried to hit me as we were driving up I-95, you fucking suck.

Somehow, Dr. Nightmare (I really need to add him to my “Cast of Characters” list) did not confer with Google and led us down the path of most rain, instead of Google’s plan to route for half of the drive outside of the rain. Dr. Nightmare is evil, truly evil. Unfortunately, I did not know this until we hit Jersey, when it finally occurred to me that we weren’t supposed to be in Jersey yet. (Jersey people, close your eyes) Is there ever a good time to be in Jersey?

That’s what I thought (and you may open your eyes again, Jersey).

Dear Scarlet, did you enjoy your shrimp? Love, Melia. P.S. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But, we made it to Circle’s house and are currently analyzing the world in our own quirky ways. Its awesome, and I may love it here. In theory, its even better when there is actual sun, but whatever. I’m in love, and its the love that knows no name. Once I leave here, I may be able to discuss it further, but there are things in Connecticut that have totally blown me away. Yum.

More to come!

Mar29

PA Update!

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PA Update!

So, I’m at my friend’s house in Pennsylvania, trying to gauge the next leg of the trip to Connecticut. Evidently, there is some sort of freak storm that is flooding the entire Eastern sea board and we’re going to drive directly into it and a flood of epic proportions.  I’m fairly certain that I have life jackets, my iPod and maybe a few bottles of wine. We should be ok, right?

Excellent.

So, Pennsylvania is interesting. The roads remind me much of I-40 between Memphis and Little Rock, the road under-forever-construction. It kind of feels like home, if I actually claimed Arkansas as my home, which I don’t, so there.

So far, I was forced to make guacamole in order to secure a sleeping space indoors, and I’ve had some excellent spanakopita at a local diner.  I’m told that all the local diners are owned by Greek people, which makes me want to move here because where else could I get Greek food 24 hours a day… aside from Greece, that is. We also managed to see a $2 showing of the Squeakuel, which was marginally good. I’m kind of curious how anyone can be given credit for “creating” the Chipettes when they’re obviously just the Chipmunks in drag.

Tomorrow, I get to finally meet my favorite shape on the planet. Yep, its the road to Circle.  That’s all I have.

Mar27

Vacation Approacheth!

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Vacation Approacheth!

Tomorrow, my friends, I’m taking this show on the road. I’m piling 3 of my 4 kiddos in the Tarty van and heading North East. I am, indeed, going to Boston, to Salem, to Connecticut and New Hampshire, after a brief stay in PA.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLt43ExKqso

I will be updating my journey on Facebook, so you best FB friend me, bitches.

Mar25

Dildorama!

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Dildorama!

No, not really. I’m not a fan of the dildo. I actually have gone back and forth on blogging this here or just writing it up for some other adventure in the future, and with everything I’m unable to blog lately due to its sexual nature (and my Virgo need to pigeon-hole everything)… something has to give.

I bought sex toys. Its my first toy purchase in years, since moving to NoVa when I discovered that our moving company had wrapped up all of my other toys and packed them for me. I was mortified and a little afraid of what they really did with them. Did they at least wear gloves? So, I threw them away, got pregnant 8 million times and forgot that I had a solo-sex life. Rawr!

It occurred to me recently that since my solo-sex life was becoming, well, monotonous, it was time to spice it up. Sharon O (from Debauchery Week fame) had suggested a few times we hit the sex store in the area, but we never had the time. Instead, I went online, because I still didn’t have the time. All weekend, I was a-twitter about my future sex, in my bed, alone. I patiently waited for the box and once it arrived (2 day shipping, yo!), I sneaked it upstairs before the kids could demand to see what was within. I glanced at the two (yes, two, fuck off) boxes and noted they needed batteries. Shit.

Clearly, I’ve not done this in a while. So, during homework time on Tuesday, I was scrounging for batteries, and thought I found some (pencil sharpener!) for one of the toys. WOOT! The Husband came home, got his “present” (its only fair), and I went upstairs to take a bath with my new bath bar… and yes, I had concealed the batteries lest some pervy male spouse try to interrupt my alone time.

I put the batteries in gently, slowly, savoring the slippery sensation of them sliding into the pink… uh… ahem. I put the batteries in AA toy (there is also AAA toy, for the record, but no batteries as of that night), turned it on and was ready to rock. I ran a bath, added girly bath stuff, and got in and started gettin’ busy… and I noticed that my new friend was, well, having performance problems. I turned it off, turned it on again, and it barely even moved.Then I turned it upside down and a ton of water came out.

You must be kidding me.

I am the only person I know who can fuck up a vibrator.

It was not waterproof. AAA toy is. AA is not. Fuck! I may have cried a bit.

The Husband came up later and asked me if I found batteries. I totally lied. My own humiliation was enough. (Yes, then I blogged it, but whatever)

The next day, I had to get some groceries and figured I’d just pick up some batteries at the store and stifled my 15-year-old-boy giggles upon seeing this sign:

Yes, Melia, we are your battery Mecca! Come, shop, and look forward to a very, very happy ending!

I’m down with that, obscure vibrator-referencing sign. You’re a little scary, but that’s OK, surely I’m not the only person on the planet who goes grocery shopping for birthday cake and batteries, right?

(Sure, Melia, just remember that nobody in Stepford has RSVP’d to your dildo party, yet)

Yet, in my normal grocery frenzy, I managed to completely forget that I needed batteries. How? I don’t freaking know. I just did. I remembered right after I put all of my stuff on the belt and was given two choices for batteries… regular, “store brand,” and lithium “more power for the devices you rely on.”

Which did I get?

I seem to recall, a few years back, someone telling me that a certain bunny-shaped toy was a bit too much for their needs. Yeah, MJ, I’m talking about you. Can I just say how completely unimpressed I was? Lithium batteries and all. Sigh.

Two down… about 800 million to go. The things I do for the sake of bloggertainment.