Are you noting the theme here? I can’t even type “sec” as in, “just a sec” without it actually reading, “just a sex.” Its becoming quite porny up in here.

Monday, whist folding laundry, I caught about 30 seconds of the Dr. Oz show. I don’t watch daytime TV (because I DVR DOOL, yo) so when I actually see one of the big talk shows, I get all snarky to hide the fact that I’m marginally interested in what they have to say. Except Oprah. No offense.

Dr. Oz said something about having three daughters and weird sex talks. Someone else said that they knew a girl at 11 who was having oral sex. 11. 11 is early, we all know that. I wasn’t horribly shocked, but then I realized that my 11 year old was… 11. Oy. Ok, its time to ramp up the sex ed talks. I’m ready. Bring it on.

A few loads of laundry later, I casually asked him if he knew what a condom was.

No.

Of course not. He’s 11. I asked what he was told about having sex and he said that they just told him to not have sex. Duh.

Yes, I agree with that. But, I am emphatically against abstinence-only education, and even if that was just a building block toward the “rest” of the sex education, its just a very personal matter to me beyond politics. My parents died from AIDS 13 & 14 year ago. This is one issue I will not back down from. My children will be those kids who tell your kids to wear condoms, and you can thank me later, because they are alive.

Ahem.

While at the book store on Tuesday, I saw a “boys book about body stuff” to help bridge the gap between what I was going to tell Talker, and what he had been told in school. I grabbed that book (in the afore-blogged children’s sextion, er, section) as I made my hasty getaway to the Tartmobile. I gave the book to Talker that afternoon.

The other book I had to get for me (reason #2 I was even AT B&N, aside from its sheer awesomeness in a truly nerdtastic sort of way) was Lady Chatterley’s Lover. That evening, I took the opportunity to start reading LCL while The Twitches were bathing.  I was on my bed, minding my own business and reading when Talker and his “boys” book joined me. I  tried to be discreet and keep the cover, well, covered (which, in hindsight, is ridiculous since I have other books laying around with “vagina” and “slut” plastered all over their covers), next to my 11 year old son who is reading about erections and body hair. Surreal moment in parenting #2855

He says, aghast, that since he’s seen his dad shirtless, he knows he’s going to have a LOT of hair (and I laughed because I’m just that bitchy). I mention that I do have a role to play in that (even if its just getting him waxed). Then I tell him that I don’t advise he try to shave his pubes and he’s all, “yeah, that just sounds like a bad idea” when I mention sharp razors near his penis. I, mother of four, was discussing body hair removal with my 11 year old son. Surreal moment in parenting #2856.

This is totally weird, but its a dialogue, and that’s all that matters according to those stupid, stupid talk shows that got me in this mess to begin with. Neither of his father figures are going to tell him what I want him to know. I’m cool with that. He then closes the boy and tells me he’s ready for “the talk.”

This isn’t our first “talk,” but this is the first talk that will go beyond reproductive organs. This is sex. Ok, I can do this. I sigh, put down my book, close my eyes, and pray this comes out right.

I told him about condoms, I told him about vaginal, oral and anal sex, stumbling on the oral sex part (because I had not included the homosexual dialogue that spilled forth from my mouth in my brief rehearsal earlier in that moment). By the time I got to anal sex, I felt like a pro. Not a pro at anal sex, but a pro at… (GAAH!)  He even made the connection that anal sex can have a part to play in homosexual relationships. He. Is. That. Damn. Smart. Bottom line: I just want him to wear a damn condom.

Part of me, just wanted to plug his ears the whole time. The other part of me, simply wanted a drink to read my own book about the stress of puberty on mothers forced to have the sex talk with their sons because public school sex education is NOT good enough. I predict many, many conversations like this in my future and then, suddenly, I see myself as the dad from American Pie. This is who I’ve become. I just need the eyebrows.

The bottom line, for now, is this: take a shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant and your retainers, and mom will keep your pockets filled with condoms when you’re ready. Oy.