Bear in mind, I’ve given up Christmas for Lent. So, in the spirit of true “end-of-the-year” madness, I present the reality of how I plan to spend the rest of 2009.

Oh, wait, there are less than 12 days left of 2009. Crap. This is what I get for procrastinating… again. How many days are left? Eight! Eight days, like Hanukkah, only with as much religion as I put into Christmas! Melia’s Eight Days of Festivus has begun!

On the first day of Festivus, Enigma said to me, “I want to change my Santa list” (the day before the first gift is given? Are you insane? I Santa doesn’t work that way and I’m really not about to run out to Target tonight yes I am to amend your present list I will totally do that just to get out of the house for an hour, alone).

On the second day of Festivus, my true love gave to me: a week of total family bonding because The Husband is now officially on vacation and I must come up with a plan to keep us apart so we don’t hurt each other with all of our “10-years-together” love

On the third day of Festivus, my Talker gave to me: text messages reeking  of scoff and snark that he clearly learned from his bio-dad since I’m all about love, roses and sunshine.

On the fourth day of Festivus, my true love gave to me: Talker back from his trip to Arkansas where I would have liked to have been, if I was assured of being given all the presents I asked for, tons of sugar and the ability to sleep until noon and ready for the rest of Festivus to begin. The Restivus! HAHAHA!

On the fifth day of Festivus, my daughters gave to me: A FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP!!!!! LeSigh.

On the sixth day of Festivus The Sims 3 gave to me: reasons to stay on my computer, yet continue to ignore any shred of responsibility I’ve been building over the last year and managerial experience.

On the seventh day of Festivus, my family gave to me: orders to leave the house and not come back until I stop pointing to the imaginary giant diamond thing over my head and exclaiming “do I look happy to you?” pamper myself all day. (I should probably just strike through all of that, since my family is heartless, just like I like ‘em.)

On the eighth day of Festivus, my true love gave to me: pixie sticks, sushi, Lego Rock Band, champagne, martinis, kids up until whenever they pass out, a house to clean, a smooch and a slap on the ass. Happy Newd Year to me!

So, Happy Festivus or whatever holidays you’re celebrating, even those that I carelessly missed because I’m all about the “F” word. Yeah, that “F” word, too, but that’s a blog for another time.