As an Online Chick Guru, I often see this question posed (and maybe I’ve asked once or twice) about pubic hair removal:

Have you/would you get a bikini wax?

Or, the more thought-provoking, “Do you shave, trim, wax or go natural?”

Sometimes, people question the natural ability of pubic hair to stop growing at a certain length and sometimes, they giggle about pube dyes.

I am here to tell you this… I will not get my pubes waxed.

First of all, the entire idea of a smooth pubic area is pretty creepy (feminism 101) since it resembles that of a young girl. I don’t care how you say it “feels” – there is something wrong with that image. (Hey, want to see how far this madness goes? Read this! There is something truly wrong with this world.)

But, honestly, feminism aside (gasp!), the #1 reason I would not get my bikini area waxed, get a Brazilian wax, etc., is because of Tyra Banks. Rarely do I ever watch TV, especially daytime TV, and I can count the number of times, on one finger, since 1998 that I’ve actually seen an entire talk show. I just happened, one day, to get a glimpse of a Tyra show where they were discussing… yep, body hair removal, and specifically, it was about poon hair. The part of the three minutes I managed to see (before someone demanded a sippy cup or feminist lecture) that is seared into my brain goes a little something like this:

“Crabs can survive wax, and they reuse the applicators.”

You know what, I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t care. Particularly after my lice battle this summer, there is no way, ever, that a hot, crab-infested stick of wax is getting anywhere near my vagina. Y’all can keep your weird wax fetishes, I’m happy to be crab-free and closely trimmed, thank you very much.

Shut up, you know you wanted to know.

As for the rest of the waxing culture… would I wax:

Lip hair? BTDT, and nope, I’m not one for searing pain that leaves me with a red ’stache for three days, when I can be blissfully ignorant, and maybe a little manly-inspired, and have a hairy upper lip. It comes in handy when I do my “Lunch Lady Land” impression.

Eyebrows? Sure, but mostly because I rather enjoy seeing the scar where my eyebrow ring used to be. And, I am reminded about how my sister let me go all day with two sets of eyebrows because the oils and my mascara blended together about a cm below my newly-waxed brows, and she didn’t say a damn word about it. I’m still plotting revenge on that one.

Toe hair? Seriously?I mean, unless your toe hair is causing you to wear a bigger shoe, then leave it alone. Your pedicurist doesn’t care, and neither does anyone else… except those foot fetishists, I suppose. Eh, do what makes you happy.

Legs? Sure, if I ever have more than 15 minutes alone where I’m not entertaining or studying. Of course, I could potentially entertain with my screams of horror. But, then there’s that whole thing about how I really don’t care if there is or is not hair on my legs. I don’t run a site called “HippyMom” for nothing.

Armpits? Jeebus, people. OUCH. No.

Did I miss anything? If I did, should I have it waxed?