Motherhood is a choice. I hear the gasps now, really, but hear me out. You have a choice to be a mother, or not, or somewhere in between.

The first choice is whether or not to have sex. That’s the fastest way to become (or not) a mother. I promise, its just that easy, but it is your choice to accept the sperm. You have a choice to use birth control, or not. Whether that birth control is 100% effective is a calculated risk that you choose to take. Yes, there are horrible times when having sex and/or using birth control are not choices, and the crime of rape or forcing a woman to have sex without birth control are nothing less than forms of terrorism. This, sadly, is not about rape or coerced sex. I’ve been there, and there is not a choice involved.

Once those little lines appear on that stick test, or it magically flashes “pregnant” at a woman, there is yet another choice. My pro-life friends are probably shaking their heads at me, but I’m not here to debate abortion. As of today, there is a choice to make regarding whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. Its a choice to be a mother. Or not.

If a woman chooses to move forward with a pregnancy, she has chosen to be a mother, at least until that child is born. There are thousands of choices involved in pregnancy – should you eat lunch meat? Can you have a little wine after dinner? Should you really put down the crack pipe? Doula, midwife, obstetrician, home birth, adoption, etc.? That list is ever-evolving, ever changing. Its a series of choices that a mother makes.

As a baby emerges into the world, it becomes an entity that needs a caregiver. It had a mother for 9-ish months and now, it is waiting for someone to choose to be its mother again. Sometimes, the woman who carried the baby chooses to continue on her path of motherhood, but sometimes, she does not. That woman has to battle instinct (either for or against motherhood), personal circumstances, and the “right thing to do” in order to make her choice, and sometimes, the best choice for that baby is for its biological mother to let somebody else take over the mothering duties.

Some women are fantastic mothers during infancy, or the toddler/preschool years, or maybe in another childhood era they shine as mothers. The rest of the time, they can be overwhelmed and lost, and the care provided for their child barely goes beyond daily maintenance. Each “era,” and sometimes, each day, its a choice to be a mother. The brutal truth in all of this is that some women are not cut out to be mothers. A vagina and uterus does not necessarily evolve into a nurturing personality. There is nothing wrong with that, its knowing one’s limits that makes the choice obvious. While its not an easy choice, there are plenty of reproductively-challenged women who would make amazing mothers.

There are mothers who are really good at what they do, who would not dream of ever letting their children go, and there are mothers who know that sometimes the best thing is to let those children be cared for by someone else. What may appear to be a selfish choice, an abandonment, could really be saving children’s lives. There are far too many crimes by mothers against their children to ignore the fact that sometimes the right choice is the hardest one of all.

When men skip town over the pending birth of their child, or leave the family while a child (or children) are growing toward adulthood, there’s a feeling of, “well, that sucks, but he’s a man” and its shrugged off as a normal trait. Women, on the other hand, are condemned for making that same choice… and it is a choice, no different than the choice to change careers or go back to school. Motherhood is a commitment. It is a choice. Or not.